


Mission Critical

by MrsHamill



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-07
Updated: 2006-10-07
Packaged: 2018-05-21 11:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6050653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John comes to regret asking Rodney for help on his after-action report.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mission Critical

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SGA Flashfic community challenge: mission report. Does *not* riff on anyone's else's story, honest and for true.

Mission Report: P2M-334  
SGA Team 1  
August 20, 2006

* * *

_"You know, if we were back on Earth, we could be on vacation now."_

_"Shut up."_

* * *

Mission Objective: First contact; treaty; information and scouting  
Other Mission Headers and extraneous crap: to be filled in later.

* * *

_"Hey!"_

_"Oh, please. You can fill it in with a macro later."_

_"A what?"_

_"A macro. Tell me you don't re-type the headers for every report!"_

_"Well... yeah!"_

_"Christ. No wonder you need help. I'll set it up for you later."_

_"Oh, gee, thanks."_

_"It's not like it's rocket science! It's just Word, for God's sake."_

* * *

The SGA-1 team stepped through the stargate at precisely oh-nine-hundred hours Atlantis time. On P2M-334, it was late afternoon as was made apparent since the primary, a G-3 type yellow dwarf, was setting. The stargate once again was set in an incongruous and inexplicable ring of tumbled stone, as appears to be the norm on these stupid planets. Our local expert, Xena, informed us of a village supposedly a short walk from the stargate.

* * *

_"You can't call Teyla Xena! What is wrong with you?"_

_"Oh shut up. You can do a global search and replace later. You DO know how to do that, don't you?"_

_"Yes, Rodney, you asshole, I know how to do that."_

* * *

Apparently, a 'short walk' in Xena-speak translates to 'quite a hike' in actuality, as it took the team the better part of an hour to trudge through an extensive deciduous forest and undergrowth undoubtedly teeming with dangerous animal and plant-life and we have, the author is certain, picked up and are undoubtedly still carrying dangerous bacterial and multicellular gametophyte infectious agents.

* * *

_"Jesus, Rodney, use periods much?"_

_"Busy!"_

* * *

Not that anyone on Atlantis cares, save for the Chief Scientist, whose duty it is to care and who doesn't get paid nearly enough to worry about these things.

The team finally arrived at what passes for a 'village' on the planet and made contact with the indigene aboriginals, who rather resembled mountain gorillas save for being more odoriferous and markedly less intelligent. As the reason for contact was ostensibly to find a food trading partner, it became the team leader's objective to make contact with the being or beings who passed for the leaders of the alleged village, if such person or personages existed -- questionable, given the collective IQ of the populace could not have reached high into double digits.

* * *

_"For the love of... Rodney, you can't say that!"_

_"Why not? It's true, isn't it? And it's not like they're going to read it, if they actually CAN read."_

_"But you can't... oh fuck it. Gimme that."_

_"No, it's mine! You said you wanted help with the report of what happened..."_

_"Not like that! Christ, you're wordier than Tolstoy!"_

_"Excuse me? I see no need to insult me!"_

_"Just pass me the damn laptop, I'll show you how it's done."_

* * *

Unnamed village approx. 1.25 km S.W. from stargate; led to same by Teyal Emmagan. Villagers met us openly but with some suspicion. Threat level minimal as primative hand weapsons seen only. Got directions to the village elders and met with one Mogra (sp. phonetic) whereupon it was determined that the ruling members were female. Teyla confirmed 

* * *

_"What's that word, for a women ruled society?"_

_"Matriarchal, Mr. Hunt-and-peck. And you misspelled Teyla and--"_

_"That's what spell check is for, Rodney. You do know how to use spell check?"_

_"Oh for God's sake. How did you make it through officer's school not knowing how to spell and type?"_

* * *

matriarcal society and it was understood she would lead negotiations. Lt. Col. Sheppard, Ronon and McKay were separated from Teyla and taken to what was described as the 'men's building.' 

* * *

_"Sorta like a Moose Lodge, only with less taste."_

_"What is wrong with you? I asked you for help on the damn report and you're--"_

_"At least I can touch-type!"_

_"What does that have to do with anything?"_

_"Hello, we could be here all night at the rate you type and I happen to have other plans for your hands tonight!"_

* * *

Once in the 'men's building' there was a ritual incl. food and drink that was served

* * *

_"Were served."_

_"Busy!"_

* * *

and expected to be drunk as part of 'joining' ceremony, whatever that means, though it is usually sexual in nature for some damn reason or other. Amogn the drinks served was a potent alcoholic drink that appeared to be beer but which had other affects than normal alcohol.

* * *

_"Tell that to the sixteen stewardesses who--"_

_"Rodney!"_

_"Give me that thing. You have no idea how to write and your grammar sucks."_

* * *

The rocket fuel served by the nameless gorillas of P2M-334 turned out to be a rather potent blend of an aphrodisiac and erectile dysfunction regulator, and with that knowledge in hindsight, watching the males down countless gallons of the stuff is incredibly frightening. After two large steins full of the stuff, Conan threw one of the prettier gorillas over his shoulder and carried him off (willingly and with enthusiastic participation) for obvious sexual cavorting. This was not seen as an unusual occurrence among these apes, since Conan was seen to be acting like them.

* * *

_"Oh, I see; you're trying to give Elizabeth a heart attack."_

_"If she can't handle the truth, maybe she shouldn't be in the job."_

_"And you think you could do it better?"_

_"Shut up."_

* * *

By the time everyone in the lodge was three sheets to the wind, Lt. Col. Hairboy and Doctor McKay were feeling no pain, except when they noticed the many sexual acts going on in every corner of the primitive dwelling. Overcome with nausea, Doctor McKay led Lt. Col. Hairboy out of the building by his dick and proceeded to blow him into next week, a fortunately common occurrence for both of them.

* * *

_"Ha. Common my ass."_

_"You dispute I give the best blowjobs in this galaxy? Think well before you answer, Lieutenant Colonel Hairboy."_

_"You... just... just give me that."_

* * *

Under the influence of the native drink, Abbott and Costello left the building to the orgy and headed for their tent, where they engaged in v. extensive sex acts, including blow-jobs of adequate caliber 

* * *

_"Excuse me? Adequate?!"_

_"Yes, adequate. For that time and place. I've had better by you, especially when you're not under the influence of some damn home-brewed Viagra."_

_"Oh. Okay, then."_

* * *

and repeated anal sex resulting in neither of them being comfortable the next day to sitting. Lt. Col. Sheppard once again requests condoms and lube be added as standard equip. on all off-world recon missions.

* * *

_"You have not."_

_"Maybe."_

_"I don't believe you. Elizabeth would have a COW."_

_"Well... I mean, we DO seem to run into this kind of crap an awful lot of times. It just makes sense."_

_"Uh-huh."_

_"Oh quit rolling your eyes. I'll edit it out before we send it. Obviously, it's going to need a lot of editing anyway."_

_"No kidding!"_

_"I wasn't the one writing 'Xena' for 'Teyla,' here._

* * *

Lt. Col Sheppard would like the record to note he had an impressive four orgasmes to McKay's three an a half. After having mroe sex than even a teenager could have, Sheppard and McKay past out due to manly exhaustion and woke the next morning with severe hangovers but luckily only with each other and no one else. Ronon appeared to be still occupied.

* * *

_"Do you think that's normal for a Satedan?"_

_"You actually want to ask him?"_

* * *

Teyla, who was notiably not hungover, brought us to the women's building for the present. of treaty.

* * *

_"And I still want to get video feed into the women's building. I'm just saying."_

_"Never in a million years, McKay. When you come up with ideas like that, it only proves my instinct of self-preservation is greater than yours."_

_"Oh fuck you and give me that."_

* * *

Xena would not elaborate on any 'rituals' in which she had to engage in order to get a treaty with the local idiots, though Doctor McKay thought it quite suspicious that many of the women giggled simperingly whenever they caught either McKay or Sheppard looking their way. This only proves McKay's hypothesis that all women are voyeurs and enjoy making men look like idiots.

* * *

_"Speak for yourself."_

_"Okay, I will, Captain Kirk."_

_"Lieutenant Colonel Kirk."_

_"Whatever."_

* * *

After presentation of the nascent treaty, the leader of the female apes tried to pull a fast one by requesting that McKay and Sheppard perform some damn sex act or other in public, but, despite Lt. Col. Hairboy's willingness, Dr. McKay and Xena managed to deflect the request. 

* * *

_"You know, it might have been--"_

_"Shut up."_

* * *

The treaty was ratified orally (no pun intended) (since the aboriginals appear to have no written language)

* * *

_"You don't know that, McKay. You never let them even explain the terms."_

_"So sue me."_

* * *

as requested and P2M-334 will be supplying Atlantis with grain and root vegetables (which will probably carry some damn pathogen or other) in return for an IDC and medicines, which they undoubtedly will have no idea how to use. We should have offered something they needed and could use more, like soap, but they'd probably just eat it.

* * *

_"You are a lunatic, you know."_

_"You're complaining?"_

* * *

Thus concludes the highly inflammatory and completely useless mission report for P2M-334. Dr. Rodney McKay would like to add that requiring a written report on such a boring, useless mission -- there wasn't even any alien tech, no power sources, nothing but unwashed, ape-like, stone-age cavemen and women -- is a waste of precious time that could be better spent doing important science stuff and or fucking.

* * *

_"Well, okay, I have to agree with you on that one."_

_"You're just lucky I'm in such a good mood."_

* * *

Both McKay and Sheppard would also like to add that they are not nearly paid enough for shit like this  and Ronon is, apparently, a really easy lay, something Dr. Weir might want to take note of. Though the way he was looking at Teyla makes us believe he'll be sporting something broken within the next few days, so you might want to act fast. 

The end.

* * *

_"Wait a minute, Teyla and Ronon? **Elizabeth** and Ronon?"_

_"Oh, please. Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious, paging Lieutenant Colonel--"_

_"Okay, forget it, I don't know and don't want to know, Teyla can take care of herself. For that matter, Elizabeth can too. Are we done, here?"_

_"I think I did write 'the end' up there. So, yeah. Why? You have someplace to be?"_

_"No, but I have someone to do. Don't I?"_

_"I think, actually, it's my turn to be on top, Lieutenant Colonel Hairboy."_

_"Fair enough, Doctor Snarky. Lemme just... ...um..."_

_"Wait. Don't hit that... WAIT! What did you... did you just send... oh fuck..."_

_"Oops."_

end


End file.
